So its my turn to finally bite the bullet and create a blog. I have never done this before but i see that its freeing to be able to write my thoughts about whatever i want. I have actually not written since high school. When i graduated from school of the arts, i vowed i was done. I was burnt out. My talent and love for writing had been graded and exposed and judged and my love for it and passion had died. Its sad because over the past 12 years, i could have really benefited from writing and being able to pour my heart out. Things are different now in writing too. People dont write on tablets...its all about the Internet now. But ok, ill accept it Lol
Now i don't plan to run my business on this thing but at least now i have an outlet to come and release my feelings both good and bad.
I posted on my Fb tonight that i am probably the happiest that ive ever been in my life. I was married at 19 and a mother all at the same time. I was happy with getting married to my husband and starting a family. I was happy for about 4 or 5 of the 7 yrs that we stayed together up to and including having my daughter Jayden.I honestly think Jayden was the real last happy moment i had before i realized something was wrong and i didn't want my marriage anymore.There were always moments that lurked in the back of my mind that haunted me. Fears. Doubt. Regrets. Ive always regretted not sticking with my education when i was younger and had more support. I regretted making the money i made back then and thinking that i had made it and didnt need to pursue a degree. I regret placing my dreams on hold to follow my husbands. He to was struggling to find himself so often times he wavered and i wasn't quite sure what he was doing and felt that i needed to take control. I just thought he had excellent ideas and great potential but he wanted things now. He wasn't willing to take baby steps.So often times his ideas fell to hell and as a wife it became very hard to support him and follow his lead. Its almost like seeing a kite fly in the air, and then watching it crash because it didn't have what it needed to successfully launch and stay afloat. I regret taking so long to let go of a marriage that i had put more faith into than i did in God himself. And i regret the decisions that i made that led to my part of the demise of my marriage.
But...... i dont regret the decision to leave. I dont regret my decision to be happy!!
My money aint where i want it, but it sure aint were it was even 12 months ago. My kids aint were they need to be but they getting there. My personal relationships aint were i want them to be but they are getting there. The time in my life that i have waited for for so long is now being laid out and its up to me to manage it.
I will be writing alot. This blog is very imcomplete because there is so much i want to say. One thing i do know is i feel like God is giving me my chance to grab this life and plug myself into the piece that God has for me. I am ready to do the things God has designed for me. Im a very sensitive woman and i feel i have to be around positive things and people in order to survive. In the past ive allowed negative people into my life. Their jaded perceptions, their jealous comments and thoughts, etc. And i figured by me being in their lives, i could make a difference but i see that the best testimony i can give comes by me distancing myself and showing Gods way the best i can through my actions. Im no where near perfect but im trying and God knows my heart and he is blessing. Ive got a tight inner circle of friends (u know who u are) and family.
So for tonight i am done. But i liked how this felt so i will be back. GN!
