So its been a while since i have written in here. I must admit ..i had to remember where to go just to create a new blog...LOL....but anywho
I realize just how much personal growth i actually have made over the past 7 years. Just spiritually and i also realixed there is still some stuff i need to work on to make me a better me....but it aint half the load that i WAS carrying.
This weekend my soon to be ex husband felt the need to call me to announce his engagement. Like i have always said, if he announced his enagement before i had a chance to get married again, i was gonhave serious attitude ...and i did. LOL. What i recognized about myself is i am very competitive. And i like to be the best at all times, no matter what. And i have this attitude amongst people who have hurt me or disappointed me in the past and my soon to be ex husband has the number 1 position of someone who has completely disappointed me and has made me loose all faith and respect probably forever. I am happy that he has found someone to love because we all look for that and desire that at some point in our journey through this life. But some of my hurts that i have stored away because im "being the bigger person" came out. How do u get married when u havent even thought to lift a finger to help me end our EXISTING marriage? And now that you want to get married, you want to start rushing me and the divorce process? How do you take on a new wife, when you havent mastered the job of including your kids in your existing new relationship?
I went to church sunday and like always, there was a word specifically that was meant directly for me and hit me in my spirit so bad, i sobbed through the entire sermon. Controllable of course, but me and God had a moment cause he was tearing my behind up. I hate when i get spiritual ass beatings from Jesus, but i needed it. I slapped him in his face. And once again my love for seeing someones outside that seems to be going well, distracted me from focusing on all that God has given me. The man i do have this is now interested in marrying me and loves me and now shows it, my beautiful new house that i enjoy being in so much, i cant stand going to work )yea gotta work on that LOL), me finally being able to get ahead financially and able to save and get things done for my kids and finally getting to a point were i dont ask their dad for anything, the fact that i finally have the desire to loose this weight and stay focus, good health for me and my kids and of cource my close friends and family that love me unconditionally, even when im being dumb.
I also realized, i really am happy for Jermaine. We were not a perfect match in life, hence the reason we are getting a divorce. If i had him in my life i would be nowhere close to were i am now and i would be thoroughly miserable. And cheating.And totally out of Gods will...like all the way over there lol. I gotta remember God knows my desires. And with that being said, i dont need to really keep telling him nor having hissy fits each time someone arrives to a goal faster than me. It aint my turn. I know marriage is in my cards...just not right now. And i want shit to be right. I want us to be in love and focused on our marriage. Not me trying to go to school or pay my creditors ..but us.
So with that im apologizing once more to the big guy upstairs for acting like an ass.
