I have been separated from my husband for now 7 years (dang LOL). 2 maybe even 2 of those years maybe even 3 (or half of 3) i had no idea what i wanted to do. I was hurt and devastated and still walked around in a state of denial and confusion because apart of me didn't know whether i was making the right decision about walking away. I had a good portion of my family insulting my intelligence and my ability to raise my children and support myself without him. Many also knew that the road ahead was going to be one that was tough and many doubted i had what it took to survive the journey. The fight of 2 grown adults who once loved each other to the ends of the earth, hated the fact that we ever met and the only thing that we saw good in our union was our children. When you separate from your husband, you forget about that first time you met. The special way he made you feel the first time you first laid eyes on each other. You forget the special way you felt on your wedding day and the beautiful feeling the 2 of you had the day you first laid eyes on your child. Those times are erased and covered by the vision of betrayal and heartbreak and the undesired amount of hate that you never dreamed you could have for someone. The good times have just died and it is no longer important, necessary or enough to salvage a union that you take before God.
At some point i wanted my husband to return because of fear. I had been with him and only him since i was 17 and i knew of no one else's love or touch. BUT ..... there came a day where i met someone that wasn't anything like my husband. I knew that my husband and at some point became someone that i settled for because i didn't think i could find what i really wanted in a man. I know that sounds messed up, and my husband was a great husband. He spoiled me (even when we were foregoing a bill that needed to be paid) and made sure i had the best hairstyles, the nicest purses, clothes, etc. I mean anything i wanted i got. I was spoiled. But during the time of being spoiled i also became blinded to the Bitch comments and the way he embarrassed me in front of my family and friends and my children. I ignored the verbal abuse and began to think that i deserved it (almost in a way that a woman who is physically abused believes its her fault). But i digress....
I met a guy that was 100% different and made me realize that what i like and want really does exist and i can have it. Beyond the fact that he is attractive, he stimulates me mentally. He is tough when needed. He exerts patience while i am impulsive. He makes me save money and has a different view on finances than i have. When i am struggling he kicks my butt and never sugar coats anything and never lets me give up. He knows that i am kind at the heart and tries to protect my heart from those who may have nothing but negative intentions to use me. But he to has failed my heart twice. And the second time i just knew we were done and that there was no reconciliation. BUT God is funny. I don't know if this man is "the one" but i know he the one for now. I would love to see things progress but i just don't know. I must say that i believe things have changed significantly. I see more commitment and effort on his side and its so refreshing because i didn't think it would happen. But apart of me is afraid of him and leery. My walls haven't come down just yet and i think its going to take time and he knows that and because he is patient, he knows it will take time for him to get to the place in my heart where i find complete solice and comfort. But i can see it happening.
My family has an opinion of my situation that they don't like the idea of me dating while the NY State city hall still had record of my marriage still being on file and not having the divorce sitting next to it. My family feels that there are no blessings being released to me because they are under the impression that i am walking around married still because its fun. So i am going to break it down. I'm still married because the guy that i paid to handle my divorce....didn't. And left me with the impression that it was done. So 2 years later i'm finally getting it done. It should lord willing be completed by the end of the year but there is so much that goes into, mind you i'm paying for it by myself.
I filed divorce when i was ready and was sure in my heart that i could accept what was happening next and accepted the possibility that he could get remarried before me. Or i could end up alone and that isn't always bad. But i did what i was gonna do when i was ready. I had family routing me on to miss my rent to file for divorce. Really??? Yeah no cause your not going to be here to help me get back on my feet with the rent and I am not moving in with you when im evicted so.....yea...um...no.
I say all of this ( and there is more i could say) to say it has taken me a long time because i have always included everyone in my corner to discuss issues with and that has proven over these 7 years to cause more confusion and it gives people the right to think their opinion matters. It doesn't. The only one that counts is Gods cause i mean the dude made you and knows what he needs you to be down hear doing so....y not just go to the source right? And news flash....God don't gossip. So chances are if you just ask him, he can tell you. I am always leery of folk giving me a word unless i know it lines up with a conversation that God and I have been having. Sometimes some folk "word" ain't from God but from their mere thoughts.
