Being and ASS!

So its been a while since i have written in here. I must admit ..i had to remember where to go just to create a new blog...LOL....but anywho

I realize just how much personal growth i actually have made over the past 7 years. Just spiritually and i also realixed there is still some stuff i need to work on to make me a better me....but it aint half the load that i WAS carrying.

This weekend my soon to be ex husband felt the need to call me to announce his engagement. Like i have always said, if he announced his enagement before i had a chance to get married again, i was gonhave serious attitude ...and i did. LOL. What i recognized about myself is i am very competitive. And i like to be the best at all times, no matter what. And i have this attitude amongst people who have hurt me or disappointed me in the past and my soon to be ex husband has the number 1 position of someone who has completely disappointed me and has made me loose all faith and respect probably forever. I am happy that he has found someone to love because we all look for that and desire that at some point in our journey through this life. But some of my hurts that i have stored away because im "being the bigger person" came out. How do u get married when u havent even thought to lift a finger to help me end our EXISTING marriage? And now that you want to get married, you want to start rushing me and the divorce process? How do you take on a new wife, when you havent mastered the job of including your kids in your existing new relationship?

I went to church sunday and like always, there was a word specifically that was meant directly for me and hit me in my spirit so bad, i sobbed through the entire sermon. Controllable of course, but me and God had a moment cause he was tearing my behind up. I hate when i get spiritual ass beatings from Jesus, but i needed it. I slapped him in his face. And once again my love for seeing someones outside that seems to be going well, distracted me from focusing on all that God has given me. The man i do have this is now interested in marrying me and loves me and now shows it, my beautiful new house that i enjoy being in so much, i cant stand going to work )yea gotta work on that LOL), me finally being able to get ahead financially and able to save and get things done for my kids and finally getting to a point were i dont ask their dad for anything, the fact that i finally have the desire to loose this weight and stay focus, good health for me and my kids and of cource my close friends and family that love me unconditionally, even when im being dumb.

I also realized, i really am happy for Jermaine. We were not a perfect match in life, hence the reason we are getting a divorce. If i had him in my life i would be nowhere close to were i am now and i would be thoroughly miserable. And cheating.And totally out of Gods will...like all the way over there lol. I gotta remember God knows my desires. And with that being said, i dont need to really keep telling him nor having hissy fits each time someone arrives to a goal faster than me. It aint my turn. I know marriage is in my cards...just not right now. And i want shit to be right. I want us to be in love and focused on our marriage. Not me trying to go to school or pay my creditors ..but us.

So with that im apologizing once more to the big guy upstairs for acting like an ass.

Bucket List

So ever since 2012 got here ive been feeling like turning over a new leaf. I have done things that most people would drop their jaw to know i did and i have missed the boat on other opportunities, on purpose (some shit i can just leave to listening to the stories). But now that i am 33 i just want more for myself and out of my life and i enjoy doing things that i never thought id be able to do. I have a sporatic bucket list. And the reason it is sporatic is because most of the things that i want to do i have actually forgotten about until i run into something that reminds me of what i want to do or until i see something and im like "ok, yea, I have heard of that and i want to try it". If you know me you know that me having a planned bucket list is not gonna happen because i am a very impulsive person. So it can just hit me and "BOOM" it must be done.

One of the major most "I have to do this before i die" things that id like to do is happening on April 29th and that is for me to see New Edition. I have been wanting to see this group since i was 9. Im 33...thats a long damn time and the fact that they are coming to Rochester, when i was actually planning to go see them in Cleveland or LA or something, is just (IMO) Gods way of saying..." You have done so much. You are on the right path, i am going to reward you by bringing them to you".

The next thing i want to do is to go to a Nude Beach or a Hedonist beach and just sit in the sun in all my glory. In the Buff. I dont know why but i enjoy being naked. Its freedom for me. And i would love nothing more than to just layout and enjoy myself.

I want to take a cruise and just visit different islands and see something beautiful and majestic.

I know there is more to come when it comes down to my bucket list. Again, im just going with the flow and whatever pops up...I am just going to do. Its important that i keep my money up. Cause now i wanna just enjoy myself and do things. Different things.

New Years

So for NY i was in Jersey celebrating my girl birthday and doing something different and something i haven't done in a few years....ring the year in with the girls i love. Its been awhile. We went to the Nuyorican which is a poetry club in NYC. I was looking forward to it. I haven't been to a poetry club were i can listen to true poets express themselves through verbal expression since high school. I must say i found the experience to be different and i think a piece of me creatively was reawakened. There was one guy who i was just feeling on a creative level. He came in 2nd (i believe) but he should've been number 1 cause he was right in your face with his creativity. is poem was the first one i heard walking into the cafe and i was sold after that. My energy actually changed before we got into the cafe though. A guy dressed as Jesus appeared out of nowhere and for like 3 minutes I am honestly going to say i was shook. Mainly because i know my life is changing but i am far from done. I have 2 kids i want to finish raising and be around for and i just know i have not even begun the work that god has set for my life. It made me realize that i have wasted a lot of Gods time with Bullshit (sorry lord). I have wasted about 7 years of my life that i cannot get back on Bullshit and that night as we stood in line waiting to get in, i got quiet because i became enraged with myself. I spent the rest of the night thinking. And i spent the few minutes before i went to sleep that night asking God for his forgiveness. I know that that Jesus was not the real thing but what if it had been. I was even prepared and i vowed that from now on, i am going to continue being about Gods business and seeking his face for direction in my life. I also have vowed to not let another moment in my life even entertain another moment of bullshit. I vow to be focused on what i am supposed to be doing and get to the next level.

With that being said. I had fun. I missed my kids and my man My daughters birthday is the same day as Ebs and even though i had a much needed break from my kids...i missed them.I missed my man too Much as he ride my nerve...i really missed him. I am glad though that i have a guy that is fine with me living my life and wanted me to go and spend time with my girls. He knew the importance of the trip and he knew i missed Eb so much. I am glad that i'm with someone who lets me be me. I don't have to hear him complaining about not having me under him at every moment of life. He lets me be me. He called me while i was there to make sure i was having fun and to let me know how his life was going in Rochester but for the most part he just wanted to know that i was ok and having fun and that was all he cared about. That made me feel so good.

So i am in week 1 of 2012 and have already been given my marching orders for the year. I have to move. To where ..i don't know. Destiny enters high school next year and where she goes depends on this move. This year i am also going to become certified to become a Real Estate agent cause i want to make money all the time. And i want to be worth 6 figures by the time i turn 40. Nuff said. I just pray that i do what i am suppose too. I know God is going to steer me i the right direction. I just gotta sit down and wait til he put the signal light on.