Forever Grateful

At the beginning of this year i began to slowly feel like i was moving out of a rut that i just couldn't figure out how to get out of. I knew i didn't belong there and i somehow knew how i got there and i even knew that i continue to spin the wheels and got myself stuck even more. For sometime i have asked God what in the world was HE doing to me. Why was HE allowing me to go through what i have been going through and last year he showed me that HE didn't do anything. That i was me. My poor judgement at times and bad decision making was what got me to the point of being in the boat i was in. And i'm not just talking financial...i'm talking emotionally, physically and mentally. I am 35 pounds heavier because i chose to eat and eat like food was going out of style the next day, i was depressed because for years i didn't stand for anything including standing up for myself and drawing the line. Mentally i was burned out because i was not allowing God to handle situations, i was trying to manage, control and handle them on my own and bothered with him when i wanted to flatter him. Emotionally i was hurt and damaged (and i still am) and had decided to go an occupy myself with other things that distracted me from dealing with what i needed to sort through. But one day i woke up and for real nothing that i had been familiar with or even used to was in my grasp. Everything and everyone was gone and i had to deal with me. I really had to deal with me. And through that process God restored my confidence that i have but i didn't. Its a different kind of confidence. See i have always known im the hot ish but i have always been fearful of the unknown and so my confidence was there on the outside but on the inside i was afraid of everything. Faith just didn't exist anymore. So God showed me faith and he showed me that by telling me to do one thing at a time and just trust me for once. Let me do this. So i did. And i swear i could kick myself for taking this long to be in this place. I have been stepping out blindly and trusting God and he is blessing me so much until i really cant find the room to take it all. I have confidence that comes with Faith so if God puts in my heart to do something, i don't care how it sounds or looks, im doing it.

My heart is being restored. I have been brokenhearted for a long time and not believing that i even deserve the best and that i will have the best. But now, i have not only the faith that i will have love but i have the confidence to walk away from something that is not lined up with what i know God has in store for me. I still have some baggage. So im not all the way there yet but at least now im digging up the roots.

I am now on the mission to loose weight. I have 50 pounds to drop and i swear for God im going to do this once and for all. I have gained so much weight over the course of 7 years. When i think about complaining and bitching after i had my second child, which by the way, that the goal i am trying to reach, I could literally get in a machine, go back and slap myself. So i have made it my mission to get back to healthy Cec. I gotta get this mess up off me and i vow to not let it come back. These pounds to me represent pain, depression and suffering that i have allowed myself to go through. I will not gain another pound nor will i give up. I am not going to be down by 10 lbs by the end of the year like i said in October but i will be down by 25 by the end of February.

I decided to blog this because i feel like im driving people crazy because i really am truly happy and sometimes when i think about how God has delivered me i just cry. I mean literally break out in tears because God was listening.

I could care less about your opinion of me. I can careless if your jealous, in fact i do care about that because we all have a story. We all have a destiny and God has happiness for everyone. We all have a purpose and if people just concentrated on finding that place for themselves, oh lord how fierce would this world be.

I guess at the end of the day all i can say is Thank You Lord. Thank You! I cannot thank him enough so i praise him and i believe totally why he asks us to praise him. Praise in the midst of the storm and praise in the sunshine...just praise him. And believe him and be a good steward over what he provides. Cause when he sees you can handle a little you will eventually have a lot. And i want a lot.

Thank you lord! I love you!

A Good day....but wow

I had a productive and good day today at work that actually winded up irritating me though when i got home. I went to Elmira today to meet with a customer who owns a rental property in a high drug area in Elmira. He has breaks ins almost daily and he wanted cameras and a security system to further protect his tenants. Ok cool. He was ready buy whatever i told him to so this sale was going to be easy. So to my surprise, when i pulled up to the building ...i was totally not expecting what i saw. This building was ...how can i say it...uh...uhm...trashy. I was surprised this house was standing. I mean literally..it looked like if i walked up the steps..the entire building was just going to fall on top of my head. Now the customer requested that i bring a demo kit. Ok cool. So this guy sees me dragging a suitcase (literally) that obviously has everything he needs to see in order to ensure he making the correct decision in investing in ADT. Do you think he holds the door for me to drag the suitcase in...NO...and then he has the nerve to want me to bring this suitcase upstairs and then back down the stairs and that's when i had to say no. After i said no,he showed me a place to put the kit and then we began our walk through. I thought the outside was bad but nah. As he was talking to me about what he wanted to secure ..i was either trying to avoid touching something or throwing up in my mouth. At times both. But ..low and behold i sold him what he needed, made some money and got the hell out of their.

But when i get back home, my manager called me and told me that i lost 2 sales, which means the 2 i had just sold replaced the 2 i lost so i broke even. Which leaves me still fighting to find 4 more units. This has been a tough month because I have lost a lot of units. Had i not lost anything this month..id be well over quota right now. But you know what, id rather take these hits now so that i can start off as clean as i can for December because I am going on vacation next month and id like to be at number before i go. Which means i have to work hard. So back to the grin tomorrow to find 4 more people that want security from me. All i do know is..i cant stand the house im in mainly because i am ready to move and i know that. But i thank god that i have never lived in an environment like that. Im glad the lord has always allowed me to find nice apartments because if i had to live in something like that i just dont know what i would do. Especially if i had to bring my kids there.I understand these landlords are in it for the money but damn....really. Would u live in something like that? I think not.

I have no significant purpose for the blog..i just felt like typing. GN!

7

So i have been thinking. I have been in reflection for the entire year of 2011. I have been in reflection because so much of my life has changed in less than 2 years. And again i remain humble because everything that i have accomplished (and this is just the tip of the ice burg) and everything that is soon to come i have to give complete and total honor to God. I claim nothing in my own well doing. He told me to do it and whether it was hard or easy and whether i understood the reason...i just did it. And anyone that knows me knows i have to be in control all the time. This time ...i couldn't take control even if i wanted so i learned to submit and do what the old saying says "Let go and let God".

But yesterday in church, listening to my pastor talk about Faith, the number 7 entered into my mind. And i thought about this number hard. And it hit me. My Marriage ended year 7. For 7 years after i have struggled and been beaten down during the time of trying to leave my husband, come to grips with closure regarding my marriage ending and then trying to figure out my finances and how to get on my feet for me and my kids. I did this for 7 years.

Now...i am at peace in terms of being happy internally now. I am finally learning how to manage my money and God is giving me the ability to earn more. I promised him that if he helped me get out of the financial mess i created, i would do the right thing. I intend to keep that promise. I am dealing with my issues that affect my friends who love me. I am trying to be a better mom to my daughters. I am trying to be a better sister and daughter. I am trying to finally conquer the habit of eating like shit and not working out. I am trying to work out and i am trying to eat healthier. But this like the financial habit is hard to kick but I'm doing it. I am even learning how to be a good woman to a man and trying to sort through my issues so that i offer up the best of me. Because their is a best of me. Now with that being said....there is one issue that i ...ok...that i have half way began to draw a conclusion to and that is my soon to be ex husband. SIGH!! The divorce thing is underway so i can breathe for now on that one. I am just hoping that nothing stops it or gets in the way this time. The other side of this issue is drawing an ending to the harassing situation i find myself in with this man which is the issue of Child Support, which long story short he doesn't want to pay. In addition to the fact that he doesn''t want to give me anything towards the children unless he feels like it. I knew this situation would get worst once his baby got her. I understood this would happen because I'm sure his girlfriend that he lives with wants what every woman wants (especially when you share a child) the opportunity to have a family and raise it effectively. This young lady has been married before and for whatever reason she is not with her husband, I am sure she wants better for herself and her 2 daughters. I get it.

But what i don't get and never will is how me as the ex with the 2 existing children can stop being attacked every time my ex realizes he is broke and cant do shit for anyone. I don't understand how to put an end to this. I have ignored him repeatedly because i refuse to have another conversation about anything concerning this man and making him understand the responsibility of having children and helping me raise and take care of them regardless of anything else he ever does. He doesn't get that and i get that. But what i need to know is how i can draw a conclusion to this because ignoring him is not enough. I am tired of talking to friends about this because quite honestly they tied of hearing it. But I'm tired of living it and this is the one area that i cannot find peace in. I don't want to  make him do anything but leave me the hell alone.

So if anyone can tell me what to do...please let me know. How can i stop being harassed so i can move on? I am sick and tired of this being apart of my life and others are tired of hearing and knowing it happens ...including my children. I am open to suggestions because at this point ignoring is not working.

I am in a relationship that has been through its challenges. We have been 5 together for 5 years off and on and i swear a year ago when we broke up, I would never get back with him again. I was done. But it seemed like the breakup was the greatest thing that could have happened to the both of us. It made us realize just how much we really appreciate and need each other. No doubt, reconciling was not easy. Mainly because he hurt me twice. But it hit me that neither one of us had really dealt with our pasts and during our breakup we had plenty of time to talk and understand each other without the the pressures of a relationship. We became the friends we should have become first. I guess i am blogging about this because it just amazes me that 1 year ago we were not together and not sure what to do and today i can say i am happier with this man than i ever thought i could be. I am enjoying our moment. Truly enjoying the moment. Now don't get me wrong.. he gets on my nerve and i on his. But i never imagined that i could be SOOOO incredibly happy with this man.

I just needed to get this off my chest cause my heart is fluttering like butterflies were carrying it away.

Now im going to bed because i am exhausted from Jersey and the fiasco that was cheer leading. GN

Judgment

I have been separated from my husband for now 7 years (dang LOL). 2 maybe even 2 of those years maybe even 3 (or half of 3) i had no idea what i wanted to do. I was hurt and devastated and still walked around in a state of denial and confusion because apart of me didn't know whether i was making the right decision about walking away. I had a good portion of my family insulting my intelligence and my ability to raise my children and support myself without him. Many also knew that the road ahead was going to be one that was tough and many doubted i had what it took to survive the journey. The fight of 2 grown adults who once loved each other to the ends of the earth, hated the fact that we ever met and the only thing that we saw good in our union was our children. When you separate from your husband, you forget about that first time you met. The special way he made you feel the first time you first laid eyes on each other. You forget the special way you felt on your wedding day and the beautiful feeling the 2 of you had the day you first laid eyes on your child. Those times are erased and covered by the vision of betrayal and heartbreak and the undesired amount of hate that you never dreamed you could have for someone. The good times have just died and it is no longer important, necessary or enough to salvage a union that you take before God.

At some point i wanted my husband to return because of fear. I had been with him and only him since i was 17 and i knew of no one else's love or touch. BUT ..... there came a day where i met someone that wasn't anything like my husband. I knew that my husband and at some point became someone that i settled for because i didn't think i could find what i really wanted in a man. I know that sounds messed up, and my husband was a great husband. He spoiled me (even when we were foregoing a bill that needed to be paid) and made sure i had the best hairstyles, the nicest purses, clothes, etc. I mean anything i wanted i got. I was spoiled. But during the time of being spoiled i also became blinded to the Bitch comments and the way he embarrassed me in front of my family and friends and my children. I ignored the verbal abuse and began to think that i deserved it (almost in a way that a woman who is physically abused believes its her fault). But i digress....

I met a guy that was 100% different and made me realize that what i like and want really does exist and i can have it. Beyond the fact that he is attractive, he stimulates me mentally. He is tough when needed. He exerts patience while i am impulsive. He makes me save money and has a different view on finances than i have. When i am struggling he kicks my butt and never sugar coats anything and never lets me give up. He knows that i am kind at the heart and tries to protect my heart from those who may have nothing but negative intentions to use me. But he to has failed my heart twice. And the second time i just knew we were done and that there was no reconciliation. BUT God is funny. I don't know if this man is "the one" but i know he the one for now. I would love to see things progress but i just don't know. I must say that i believe things have changed significantly. I see more commitment and effort on his side and its so refreshing because i didn't think it would happen. But apart of me is afraid of him and leery. My walls haven't come down just yet and i think its going to take time and he knows that and because he is patient, he knows it will take time for him to get to the place in my heart where i find complete solice and comfort. But i can see it happening.

My family has an opinion of my situation that they don't like the idea of me dating while the NY State city hall still had record of my marriage still being on file and not having the divorce sitting next to it. My family feels that there are no blessings being released to me because they are under the impression that i am walking around married still because its fun. So i am going to break it down. I'm still married because the guy that i paid to handle my divorce....didn't. And left me with the impression that it was done. So 2 years later i'm finally getting it done. It should lord willing be completed by the end of the year but there is so much that goes into, mind you i'm paying for it by myself.

I filed divorce when i was ready and was sure in my heart that i could accept what was happening next and accepted the possibility that he could get remarried before me. Or i could end up alone and that isn't always bad. But i did what i was gonna do when i was ready. I had family routing me on to miss my rent to file for divorce. Really??? Yeah no cause your not going to be here to help me get back on my feet with the rent and I am not moving in with you when im evicted so.....yea...um...no.

I say all of this ( and there is more i could say) to say it has taken me a long time because i have always included everyone in my corner to discuss issues with and that has proven over these 7 years to cause more confusion and it gives people the right to think their opinion matters. It doesn't. The only one that counts is Gods cause i mean the dude made you and knows what he needs you to be down hear doing so....y not just go to the source right? And news flash....God don't gossip. So chances are if you just ask him, he can tell you. I am always leery of folk giving me a word unless i know it lines up with a conversation that God and I have been having. Sometimes some folk "word" ain't from God but from their mere thoughts.

Challenge

So i read my homey page and realized that she is setting some end of the year goals for herself. And not for any other purpose than to lay stepping stones for her to be able to inherit the desires of her heart and so that God can bless her with the things that she truly needs and also to line her up to his purpose. That is a focus for me as well. Im tired of listing very unrealistic things that i know i dont really want but should because the world says i should. I just simply want to be happy in all aspects of my life and recieve the many blessings God has for me. So with that being said, here are my end of the year goals...effective 10/1 (or sooner):

- No matter what, Id like to have dropped by 1/1/12 20lbs. I have struggled with sticking to a work out schedule and plan for years. Don't get me wrong, i love myself and my body and I am A-ok with getting older. Getting older is a right that God gives us. Its not meant to look like a 12 yr old when you are 40...well at least not for me. But when my children leave the nest, i plan to travel. And lord willing i have a husband but if he doesn't see fit for me to have one, i wanna be at my best. And i cannot be that way with the 50 pounds that i have on my body that need to go.  I cant say baby weight no more because guess what, my oldest will be 13 in 10 weeks and yea...uhm...yea no lol.

- Credit score but be up by at least 10-15 points and i can effect this by continuing to pay my bills on time and by December 1st, the last 3 debts that i have will be gone. I want to move and own my own home. Im just tired of renting and i want something nice in a neighborhood that fits me and the way i choose to live.

- I want my bank account to be PHIZZAT! And i wanna have a certain amount in savings left to be untouched by Jan 1st.

- Im in actually in progress of this but id like my divorce to be finally rounding the end. Nuff said LOL its been way to long

- I need to be efficient in being organized and not taking on tasks that i cannot handle or will take up to much time

There is more that i can list, and later through out the week i will. But this is the ground work to the beginning of becoming a better Cec! I love my life and my friends and the Lord and i am happy and i want things to stay this way for as long as it can.

Frustration

Now, one thing about me that i hate is that i get frustrated and discouraged very easily. And thats not good because i get thrown off real quickly and whatever may have put me in that mood, i tend to hold on to and dont need to. Half the time, its not even THAT deep and i realize it once i get over my emotion. But tonight, my frustration lies in the fact, and i try to tell people and warn them...i cannot stand stupid people. Let me explain my issue.

I am an assistant coach for 10-12 yr old girls. I love helping put together dance moves and love helping be a little small part of these young ladies lives in a positive ways..helping them learn things that they will need for life. I want to be someone that they think about in the future when they are grown and remember when. We all had a few people in our lives that we have great memories with. But there is one child, her mother is actually a coach on another team and has been for i would guess for about 10 years. Her mother is a sweetheart and would give the shirt off her back if that meant helping someone else. But she has a daughter that has the complete and i do mean completely DIFFERENT reputation and unfortunately i have the pleasure (NOT) of coaching her this year. She is like the devil child. In fact she reminds me of that movie Problem Child (except she hasn't staged in any freak stunts or accidents for someone to be harmed in, well at least not yet). She is disrespectful to anyone that she feels is going against her. She is spoiled beyond reason. She is a liar. She has a reputation that speaks well before her and she thinks in her mind that she is a grown woman because her family (including her mother) treats her as such.

Ok cool.Whatever. That's fine. I refuse to tell people how to raise their kids because I'm not very open to hearing any advice myself. So i stays out of it. BUT ..if my daughters, any of them, were to conduct themselves in this manner...well lets just say id not have the title of single mother anymore. Id just be single. I am not one to really deal with bad ass kids but this child is under my authority. And ive had to check her twice. Both times she has lied to her mother and both times her mom has come to me (in a nice way) to find out what happened. Both times i have explained. Both times her daughter has been talked to about her behavior and each time, she proceeds to do what she wants. Ok this is an issue for me cause im tired of refraining from choking the shit out of UR child. Something u should be doing and with her ...that would be a daily task.

To make a long story short, i'm seriously contemplating walking away from this organization and take my desire to help and do something else. I notice that i don't have patience for anything that is a waste of my time or i cannot control. And for me to remain sane, continue to be happy and remain focused on my goal, ill walk away. Its a shame that there is no help really coming from the parental side because she treats her mother worst than she doesn't other adults and doesn't listen to her at all... so go figure.So i have decided no matter what, i will not be returning as a coach next year. It hurts me because again i love working with kids but as i explained to one of my closest friends, i don't think being around children on a regular basis is what God has for me to do and if so, I'm definitely going to need him to bestow some patience onto me.

Its sad, we live in a time where kids are just disrespectful to the highest level. And i cannot fault the children because in most cases the parents are just as damn ignorant..so i cannot place to much of the blame on kids. They are to be taught. This is an ongoing issue with no ending so its something id rather not focus to much on. However, one things i learned while dealing with this child is to make sure i tighten up on my parenting and make sure my kids not only understand that disrespect on any level will not be tolerated and also i want them to know the impact of such behaviors. And no matter your background, your financial status, etc ... that kind of attitude will only get you a hard life full of struggling and misery. I cannot stand this little girl YET i pray she gets her act together.

HELLO

So its my turn to finally bite the bullet and create a blog. I have never done this before but i see that its freeing to  be able to write my thoughts about whatever i want. I have actually not written since high school. When i graduated from school of the arts, i vowed i was done.  I was burnt out. My talent and love for writing had been graded and exposed and judged and my love for it and passion had died. Its sad because over the past 12 years, i could have really benefited from writing and being able to pour my heart out. Things are different now in writing too. People dont write on tablets...its all about the Internet now. But ok, ill accept it Lol

Now i don't plan to run my business on this thing but at least now i have an outlet to come and release my feelings both good and bad.

I posted on my Fb tonight that i am probably the happiest that ive ever been in my life. I was married at 19 and a mother all at the same time. I was happy with getting married to my husband and starting a family. I was happy for about 4 or 5 of the 7 yrs that we stayed together up to and including having my daughter Jayden.I honestly think Jayden was the real last happy moment i had before i realized something was wrong and i didn't want my marriage anymore.There were always moments that lurked in the back of my mind that haunted me. Fears. Doubt. Regrets. Ive always regretted not sticking with my education when i was younger and had more support. I regretted making the money i made back then and thinking that i had made it and didnt need to pursue a degree. I regret placing my dreams on hold to follow my husbands. He to was struggling to find himself so often times he wavered and i wasn't quite sure what he was doing and felt that i needed to take control. I just thought he had excellent ideas and great potential but he wanted things now. He wasn't willing to take baby steps.So often times his ideas fell to hell and as a wife it became very hard to support him and follow his lead. Its almost like seeing a kite fly in the air, and then watching it crash because it didn't have what it needed to successfully launch and stay afloat. I regret taking so long to let go of a marriage that i had put more faith into than i did in God himself. And i regret the decisions that i made that led to my part of the demise of my marriage.  

But...... i dont regret the decision to leave. I dont regret my decision to be happy!!

My money aint where i want it, but it sure aint were it was even 12 months ago. My kids aint were they need to be but they getting there. My personal relationships aint were i want them to be but they are getting there. The time in my life that i have waited for for so long is now being laid out and its up to me to manage it.

I will be writing alot. This blog is very imcomplete because there is so much i want to say. One thing i do know is i feel like God is giving me my chance to grab this life and plug myself into the piece that God has for me. I am ready to do the things God has designed for me. Im a very sensitive woman and i feel i have to be around positive things and people in order to survive. In the past ive allowed negative people into my life. Their jaded perceptions, their jealous comments and thoughts, etc. And i figured by me being in their lives, i could make a difference but i see that the best testimony i can give comes by me distancing myself and showing Gods way the best i can through my actions. Im no where near perfect but im trying and God knows my heart and he is blessing. Ive got a tight inner circle of friends (u know who u are) and family.

So for tonight i am done. But i liked how this felt so i will be back. GN!