Being and ASS!

So its been a while since i have written in here. I must admit ..i had to remember where to go just to create a new blog...LOL....but anywho

I realize just how much personal growth i actually have made over the past 7 years. Just spiritually and i also realixed there is still some stuff i need to work on to make me a better me....but it aint half the load that i WAS carrying.

This weekend my soon to be ex husband felt the need to call me to announce his engagement. Like i have always said, if he announced his enagement before i had a chance to get married again, i was gonhave serious attitude ...and i did. LOL. What i recognized about myself is i am very competitive. And i like to be the best at all times, no matter what. And i have this attitude amongst people who have hurt me or disappointed me in the past and my soon to be ex husband has the number 1 position of someone who has completely disappointed me and has made me loose all faith and respect probably forever. I am happy that he has found someone to love because we all look for that and desire that at some point in our journey through this life. But some of my hurts that i have stored away because im "being the bigger person" came out. How do u get married when u havent even thought to lift a finger to help me end our EXISTING marriage? And now that you want to get married, you want to start rushing me and the divorce process? How do you take on a new wife, when you havent mastered the job of including your kids in your existing new relationship?

I went to church sunday and like always, there was a word specifically that was meant directly for me and hit me in my spirit so bad, i sobbed through the entire sermon. Controllable of course, but me and God had a moment cause he was tearing my behind up. I hate when i get spiritual ass beatings from Jesus, but i needed it. I slapped him in his face. And once again my love for seeing someones outside that seems to be going well, distracted me from focusing on all that God has given me. The man i do have this is now interested in marrying me and loves me and now shows it, my beautiful new house that i enjoy being in so much, i cant stand going to work )yea gotta work on that LOL), me finally being able to get ahead financially and able to save and get things done for my kids and finally getting to a point were i dont ask their dad for anything, the fact that i finally have the desire to loose this weight and stay focus, good health for me and my kids and of cource my close friends and family that love me unconditionally, even when im being dumb.

I also realized, i really am happy for Jermaine. We were not a perfect match in life, hence the reason we are getting a divorce. If i had him in my life i would be nowhere close to were i am now and i would be thoroughly miserable. And cheating.And totally out of Gods will...like all the way over there lol. I gotta remember God knows my desires. And with that being said, i dont need to really keep telling him nor having hissy fits each time someone arrives to a goal faster than me. It aint my turn. I know marriage is in my cards...just not right now. And i want shit to be right. I want us to be in love and focused on our marriage. Not me trying to go to school or pay my creditors ..but us.

So with that im apologizing once more to the big guy upstairs for acting like an ass.

Bucket List

So ever since 2012 got here ive been feeling like turning over a new leaf. I have done things that most people would drop their jaw to know i did and i have missed the boat on other opportunities, on purpose (some shit i can just leave to listening to the stories). But now that i am 33 i just want more for myself and out of my life and i enjoy doing things that i never thought id be able to do. I have a sporatic bucket list. And the reason it is sporatic is because most of the things that i want to do i have actually forgotten about until i run into something that reminds me of what i want to do or until i see something and im like "ok, yea, I have heard of that and i want to try it". If you know me you know that me having a planned bucket list is not gonna happen because i am a very impulsive person. So it can just hit me and "BOOM" it must be done.

One of the major most "I have to do this before i die" things that id like to do is happening on April 29th and that is for me to see New Edition. I have been wanting to see this group since i was 9. Im 33...thats a long damn time and the fact that they are coming to Rochester, when i was actually planning to go see them in Cleveland or LA or something, is just (IMO) Gods way of saying..." You have done so much. You are on the right path, i am going to reward you by bringing them to you".

The next thing i want to do is to go to a Nude Beach or a Hedonist beach and just sit in the sun in all my glory. In the Buff. I dont know why but i enjoy being naked. Its freedom for me. And i would love nothing more than to just layout and enjoy myself.

I want to take a cruise and just visit different islands and see something beautiful and majestic.

I know there is more to come when it comes down to my bucket list. Again, im just going with the flow and whatever pops up...I am just going to do. Its important that i keep my money up. Cause now i wanna just enjoy myself and do things. Different things.

New Years

So for NY i was in Jersey celebrating my girl birthday and doing something different and something i haven't done in a few years....ring the year in with the girls i love. Its been awhile. We went to the Nuyorican which is a poetry club in NYC. I was looking forward to it. I haven't been to a poetry club were i can listen to true poets express themselves through verbal expression since high school. I must say i found the experience to be different and i think a piece of me creatively was reawakened. There was one guy who i was just feeling on a creative level. He came in 2nd (i believe) but he should've been number 1 cause he was right in your face with his creativity. is poem was the first one i heard walking into the cafe and i was sold after that. My energy actually changed before we got into the cafe though. A guy dressed as Jesus appeared out of nowhere and for like 3 minutes I am honestly going to say i was shook. Mainly because i know my life is changing but i am far from done. I have 2 kids i want to finish raising and be around for and i just know i have not even begun the work that god has set for my life. It made me realize that i have wasted a lot of Gods time with Bullshit (sorry lord). I have wasted about 7 years of my life that i cannot get back on Bullshit and that night as we stood in line waiting to get in, i got quiet because i became enraged with myself. I spent the rest of the night thinking. And i spent the few minutes before i went to sleep that night asking God for his forgiveness. I know that that Jesus was not the real thing but what if it had been. I was even prepared and i vowed that from now on, i am going to continue being about Gods business and seeking his face for direction in my life. I also have vowed to not let another moment in my life even entertain another moment of bullshit. I vow to be focused on what i am supposed to be doing and get to the next level.

With that being said. I had fun. I missed my kids and my man My daughters birthday is the same day as Ebs and even though i had a much needed break from my kids...i missed them.I missed my man too Much as he ride my nerve...i really missed him. I am glad though that i have a guy that is fine with me living my life and wanted me to go and spend time with my girls. He knew the importance of the trip and he knew i missed Eb so much. I am glad that i'm with someone who lets me be me. I don't have to hear him complaining about not having me under him at every moment of life. He lets me be me. He called me while i was there to make sure i was having fun and to let me know how his life was going in Rochester but for the most part he just wanted to know that i was ok and having fun and that was all he cared about. That made me feel so good.

So i am in week 1 of 2012 and have already been given my marching orders for the year. I have to move. To where ..i don't know. Destiny enters high school next year and where she goes depends on this move. This year i am also going to become certified to become a Real Estate agent cause i want to make money all the time. And i want to be worth 6 figures by the time i turn 40. Nuff said. I just pray that i do what i am suppose too. I know God is going to steer me i the right direction. I just gotta sit down and wait til he put the signal light on.

Forever Grateful

At the beginning of this year i began to slowly feel like i was moving out of a rut that i just couldn't figure out how to get out of. I knew i didn't belong there and i somehow knew how i got there and i even knew that i continue to spin the wheels and got myself stuck even more. For sometime i have asked God what in the world was HE doing to me. Why was HE allowing me to go through what i have been going through and last year he showed me that HE didn't do anything. That i was me. My poor judgement at times and bad decision making was what got me to the point of being in the boat i was in. And i'm not just talking financial...i'm talking emotionally, physically and mentally. I am 35 pounds heavier because i chose to eat and eat like food was going out of style the next day, i was depressed because for years i didn't stand for anything including standing up for myself and drawing the line. Mentally i was burned out because i was not allowing God to handle situations, i was trying to manage, control and handle them on my own and bothered with him when i wanted to flatter him. Emotionally i was hurt and damaged (and i still am) and had decided to go an occupy myself with other things that distracted me from dealing with what i needed to sort through. But one day i woke up and for real nothing that i had been familiar with or even used to was in my grasp. Everything and everyone was gone and i had to deal with me. I really had to deal with me. And through that process God restored my confidence that i have but i didn't. Its a different kind of confidence. See i have always known im the hot ish but i have always been fearful of the unknown and so my confidence was there on the outside but on the inside i was afraid of everything. Faith just didn't exist anymore. So God showed me faith and he showed me that by telling me to do one thing at a time and just trust me for once. Let me do this. So i did. And i swear i could kick myself for taking this long to be in this place. I have been stepping out blindly and trusting God and he is blessing me so much until i really cant find the room to take it all. I have confidence that comes with Faith so if God puts in my heart to do something, i don't care how it sounds or looks, im doing it.

My heart is being restored. I have been brokenhearted for a long time and not believing that i even deserve the best and that i will have the best. But now, i have not only the faith that i will have love but i have the confidence to walk away from something that is not lined up with what i know God has in store for me. I still have some baggage. So im not all the way there yet but at least now im digging up the roots.

I am now on the mission to loose weight. I have 50 pounds to drop and i swear for God im going to do this once and for all. I have gained so much weight over the course of 7 years. When i think about complaining and bitching after i had my second child, which by the way, that the goal i am trying to reach, I could literally get in a machine, go back and slap myself. So i have made it my mission to get back to healthy Cec. I gotta get this mess up off me and i vow to not let it come back. These pounds to me represent pain, depression and suffering that i have allowed myself to go through. I will not gain another pound nor will i give up. I am not going to be down by 10 lbs by the end of the year like i said in October but i will be down by 25 by the end of February.

I decided to blog this because i feel like im driving people crazy because i really am truly happy and sometimes when i think about how God has delivered me i just cry. I mean literally break out in tears because God was listening.

I could care less about your opinion of me. I can careless if your jealous, in fact i do care about that because we all have a story. We all have a destiny and God has happiness for everyone. We all have a purpose and if people just concentrated on finding that place for themselves, oh lord how fierce would this world be.

I guess at the end of the day all i can say is Thank You Lord. Thank You! I cannot thank him enough so i praise him and i believe totally why he asks us to praise him. Praise in the midst of the storm and praise in the sunshine...just praise him. And believe him and be a good steward over what he provides. Cause when he sees you can handle a little you will eventually have a lot. And i want a lot.

Thank you lord! I love you!

A Good day....but wow

I had a productive and good day today at work that actually winded up irritating me though when i got home. I went to Elmira today to meet with a customer who owns a rental property in a high drug area in Elmira. He has breaks ins almost daily and he wanted cameras and a security system to further protect his tenants. Ok cool. He was ready buy whatever i told him to so this sale was going to be easy. So to my surprise, when i pulled up to the building ...i was totally not expecting what i saw. This building was ...how can i say it...uh...uhm...trashy. I was surprised this house was standing. I mean literally..it looked like if i walked up the steps..the entire building was just going to fall on top of my head. Now the customer requested that i bring a demo kit. Ok cool. So this guy sees me dragging a suitcase (literally) that obviously has everything he needs to see in order to ensure he making the correct decision in investing in ADT. Do you think he holds the door for me to drag the suitcase in...NO...and then he has the nerve to want me to bring this suitcase upstairs and then back down the stairs and that's when i had to say no. After i said no,he showed me a place to put the kit and then we began our walk through. I thought the outside was bad but nah. As he was talking to me about what he wanted to secure ..i was either trying to avoid touching something or throwing up in my mouth. At times both. But ..low and behold i sold him what he needed, made some money and got the hell out of their.

But when i get back home, my manager called me and told me that i lost 2 sales, which means the 2 i had just sold replaced the 2 i lost so i broke even. Which leaves me still fighting to find 4 more units. This has been a tough month because I have lost a lot of units. Had i not lost anything this month..id be well over quota right now. But you know what, id rather take these hits now so that i can start off as clean as i can for December because I am going on vacation next month and id like to be at number before i go. Which means i have to work hard. So back to the grin tomorrow to find 4 more people that want security from me. All i do know is..i cant stand the house im in mainly because i am ready to move and i know that. But i thank god that i have never lived in an environment like that. Im glad the lord has always allowed me to find nice apartments because if i had to live in something like that i just dont know what i would do. Especially if i had to bring my kids there.I understand these landlords are in it for the money but damn....really. Would u live in something like that? I think not.

I have no significant purpose for the blog..i just felt like typing. GN!

7

So i have been thinking. I have been in reflection for the entire year of 2011. I have been in reflection because so much of my life has changed in less than 2 years. And again i remain humble because everything that i have accomplished (and this is just the tip of the ice burg) and everything that is soon to come i have to give complete and total honor to God. I claim nothing in my own well doing. He told me to do it and whether it was hard or easy and whether i understood the reason...i just did it. And anyone that knows me knows i have to be in control all the time. This time ...i couldn't take control even if i wanted so i learned to submit and do what the old saying says "Let go and let God".

But yesterday in church, listening to my pastor talk about Faith, the number 7 entered into my mind. And i thought about this number hard. And it hit me. My Marriage ended year 7. For 7 years after i have struggled and been beaten down during the time of trying to leave my husband, come to grips with closure regarding my marriage ending and then trying to figure out my finances and how to get on my feet for me and my kids. I did this for 7 years.

Now...i am at peace in terms of being happy internally now. I am finally learning how to manage my money and God is giving me the ability to earn more. I promised him that if he helped me get out of the financial mess i created, i would do the right thing. I intend to keep that promise. I am dealing with my issues that affect my friends who love me. I am trying to be a better mom to my daughters. I am trying to be a better sister and daughter. I am trying to finally conquer the habit of eating like shit and not working out. I am trying to work out and i am trying to eat healthier. But this like the financial habit is hard to kick but I'm doing it. I am even learning how to be a good woman to a man and trying to sort through my issues so that i offer up the best of me. Because their is a best of me. Now with that being said....there is one issue that i ...ok...that i have half way began to draw a conclusion to and that is my soon to be ex husband. SIGH!! The divorce thing is underway so i can breathe for now on that one. I am just hoping that nothing stops it or gets in the way this time. The other side of this issue is drawing an ending to the harassing situation i find myself in with this man which is the issue of Child Support, which long story short he doesn't want to pay. In addition to the fact that he doesn''t want to give me anything towards the children unless he feels like it. I knew this situation would get worst once his baby got her. I understood this would happen because I'm sure his girlfriend that he lives with wants what every woman wants (especially when you share a child) the opportunity to have a family and raise it effectively. This young lady has been married before and for whatever reason she is not with her husband, I am sure she wants better for herself and her 2 daughters. I get it.

But what i don't get and never will is how me as the ex with the 2 existing children can stop being attacked every time my ex realizes he is broke and cant do shit for anyone. I don't understand how to put an end to this. I have ignored him repeatedly because i refuse to have another conversation about anything concerning this man and making him understand the responsibility of having children and helping me raise and take care of them regardless of anything else he ever does. He doesn't get that and i get that. But what i need to know is how i can draw a conclusion to this because ignoring him is not enough. I am tired of talking to friends about this because quite honestly they tied of hearing it. But I'm tired of living it and this is the one area that i cannot find peace in. I don't want to  make him do anything but leave me the hell alone.

So if anyone can tell me what to do...please let me know. How can i stop being harassed so i can move on? I am sick and tired of this being apart of my life and others are tired of hearing and knowing it happens ...including my children. I am open to suggestions because at this point ignoring is not working.

I am in a relationship that has been through its challenges. We have been 5 together for 5 years off and on and i swear a year ago when we broke up, I would never get back with him again. I was done. But it seemed like the breakup was the greatest thing that could have happened to the both of us. It made us realize just how much we really appreciate and need each other. No doubt, reconciling was not easy. Mainly because he hurt me twice. But it hit me that neither one of us had really dealt with our pasts and during our breakup we had plenty of time to talk and understand each other without the the pressures of a relationship. We became the friends we should have become first. I guess i am blogging about this because it just amazes me that 1 year ago we were not together and not sure what to do and today i can say i am happier with this man than i ever thought i could be. I am enjoying our moment. Truly enjoying the moment. Now don't get me wrong.. he gets on my nerve and i on his. But i never imagined that i could be SOOOO incredibly happy with this man.

I just needed to get this off my chest cause my heart is fluttering like butterflies were carrying it away.

Now im going to bed because i am exhausted from Jersey and the fiasco that was cheer leading. GN