7

So i have been thinking. I have been in reflection for the entire year of 2011. I have been in reflection because so much of my life has changed in less than 2 years. And again i remain humble because everything that i have accomplished (and this is just the tip of the ice burg) and everything that is soon to come i have to give complete and total honor to God. I claim nothing in my own well doing. He told me to do it and whether it was hard or easy and whether i understood the reason...i just did it. And anyone that knows me knows i have to be in control all the time. This time ...i couldn't take control even if i wanted so i learned to submit and do what the old saying says "Let go and let God".

But yesterday in church, listening to my pastor talk about Faith, the number 7 entered into my mind. And i thought about this number hard. And it hit me. My Marriage ended year 7. For 7 years after i have struggled and been beaten down during the time of trying to leave my husband, come to grips with closure regarding my marriage ending and then trying to figure out my finances and how to get on my feet for me and my kids. I did this for 7 years.

Now...i am at peace in terms of being happy internally now. I am finally learning how to manage my money and God is giving me the ability to earn more. I promised him that if he helped me get out of the financial mess i created, i would do the right thing. I intend to keep that promise. I am dealing with my issues that affect my friends who love me. I am trying to be a better mom to my daughters. I am trying to be a better sister and daughter. I am trying to finally conquer the habit of eating like shit and not working out. I am trying to work out and i am trying to eat healthier. But this like the financial habit is hard to kick but I'm doing it. I am even learning how to be a good woman to a man and trying to sort through my issues so that i offer up the best of me. Because their is a best of me. Now with that being said....there is one issue that i ...ok...that i have half way began to draw a conclusion to and that is my soon to be ex husband. SIGH!! The divorce thing is underway so i can breathe for now on that one. I am just hoping that nothing stops it or gets in the way this time. The other side of this issue is drawing an ending to the harassing situation i find myself in with this man which is the issue of Child Support, which long story short he doesn't want to pay. In addition to the fact that he doesn''t want to give me anything towards the children unless he feels like it. I knew this situation would get worst once his baby got her. I understood this would happen because I'm sure his girlfriend that he lives with wants what every woman wants (especially when you share a child) the opportunity to have a family and raise it effectively. This young lady has been married before and for whatever reason she is not with her husband, I am sure she wants better for herself and her 2 daughters. I get it.

But what i don't get and never will is how me as the ex with the 2 existing children can stop being attacked every time my ex realizes he is broke and cant do shit for anyone. I don't understand how to put an end to this. I have ignored him repeatedly because i refuse to have another conversation about anything concerning this man and making him understand the responsibility of having children and helping me raise and take care of them regardless of anything else he ever does. He doesn't get that and i get that. But what i need to know is how i can draw a conclusion to this because ignoring him is not enough. I am tired of talking to friends about this because quite honestly they tied of hearing it. But I'm tired of living it and this is the one area that i cannot find peace in. I don't want to  make him do anything but leave me the hell alone.

So if anyone can tell me what to do...please let me know. How can i stop being harassed so i can move on? I am sick and tired of this being apart of my life and others are tired of hearing and knowing it happens ...including my children. I am open to suggestions because at this point ignoring is not working.