At the beginning of this year i began to slowly feel like i was moving out of a rut that i just couldn't figure out how to get out of. I knew i didn't belong there and i somehow knew how i got there and i even knew that i continue to spin the wheels and got myself stuck even more. For sometime i have asked God what in the world was HE doing to me. Why was HE allowing me to go through what i have been going through and last year he showed me that HE didn't do anything. That i was me. My poor judgement at times and bad decision making was what got me to the point of being in the boat i was in. And i'm not just talking financial...i'm talking emotionally, physically and mentally. I am 35 pounds heavier because i chose to eat and eat like food was going out of style the next day, i was depressed because for years i didn't stand for anything including standing up for myself and drawing the line. Mentally i was burned out because i was not allowing God to handle situations, i was trying to manage, control and handle them on my own and bothered with him when i wanted to flatter him. Emotionally i was hurt and damaged (and i still am) and had decided to go an occupy myself with other things that distracted me from dealing with what i needed to sort through. But one day i woke up and for real nothing that i had been familiar with or even used to was in my grasp. Everything and everyone was gone and i had to deal with me. I really had to deal with me. And through that process God restored my confidence that i have but i didn't. Its a different kind of confidence. See i have always known im the hot ish but i have always been fearful of the unknown and so my confidence was there on the outside but on the inside i was afraid of everything. Faith just didn't exist anymore. So God showed me faith and he showed me that by telling me to do one thing at a time and just trust me for once. Let me do this. So i did. And i swear i could kick myself for taking this long to be in this place. I have been stepping out blindly and trusting God and he is blessing me so much until i really cant find the room to take it all. I have confidence that comes with Faith so if God puts in my heart to do something, i don't care how it sounds or looks, im doing it.
My heart is being restored. I have been brokenhearted for a long time and not believing that i even deserve the best and that i will have the best. But now, i have not only the faith that i will have love but i have the confidence to walk away from something that is not lined up with what i know God has in store for me. I still have some baggage. So im not all the way there yet but at least now im digging up the roots.
I am now on the mission to loose weight. I have 50 pounds to drop and i swear for God im going to do this once and for all. I have gained so much weight over the course of 7 years. When i think about complaining and bitching after i had my second child, which by the way, that the goal i am trying to reach, I could literally get in a machine, go back and slap myself. So i have made it my mission to get back to healthy Cec. I gotta get this mess up off me and i vow to not let it come back. These pounds to me represent pain, depression and suffering that i have allowed myself to go through. I will not gain another pound nor will i give up. I am not going to be down by 10 lbs by the end of the year like i said in October but i will be down by 25 by the end of February.
I decided to blog this because i feel like im driving people crazy because i really am truly happy and sometimes when i think about how God has delivered me i just cry. I mean literally break out in tears because God was listening.
I could care less about your opinion of me. I can careless if your jealous, in fact i do care about that because we all have a story. We all have a destiny and God has happiness for everyone. We all have a purpose and if people just concentrated on finding that place for themselves, oh lord how fierce would this world be.
I guess at the end of the day all i can say is Thank You Lord. Thank You! I cannot thank him enough so i praise him and i believe totally why he asks us to praise him. Praise in the midst of the storm and praise in the sunshine...just praise him. And believe him and be a good steward over what he provides. Cause when he sees you can handle a little you will eventually have a lot. And i want a lot.
Thank you lord! I love you!
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